Dan Savage dealt with a strange and interesting letter this week, one that should be of interest to every man interested in anal sex with a woman. Read the article first, so you can get a sense of what I’m talking about.
A Bad Ex by Dan Savage in the Village Voice
“About a year ago, Enis asked me if we could have anal sex. I might lose your sympathy here, but I have no interest in anal sex at all. I had a traumatic experience with anal sex that resulted in some permanent damage; I cannot do it without a lot of pain. I told Enis no and that I was surprised he had asked, given my past. I offered to do him, if that was what he was looking for. He refused, telling me he wasn’t gay. He asked me to reconsider a few more times, but I always told him no. Enis even attempted to just “add it in” while we were having sex once. It fucking hurt, and I flipped out on him. I told him I wasn’t going to change my mind, and if he had to have anal sex then he could have it with someone else, giving him an out if it mattered that much to him.
A month ago, we were making love. I was restrained to the bed; we did this all the time. The next thing I knew, he was fingering my anus. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He took his time, stretching and lubing. I was screaming and crying for him to stop the whole time. I won’t get into how much it hurt, but suffice it to say I nearly passed out from blood loss as a result of his tearing open old scars. He freaked out when he saw the amount of blood on the bed and called 911. (This was after he’d had an orgasm.) I spent a week in the hospital and ended up with 30 stitches to rerepair the damage. I’m still in a lot of pain. “
Dan Savage then writes in reply:
“Good fucking God. Your ex should get down on his knees twice a day and thank his lucky fucking stars that you didn’t press charges. He raped you—you know that, right? The word rape doesn’t appear anywhere in your letter, NCA, which I hope isn’t a sign that you see this “incident” as anything other than a full-blown sexual assault. So what if Enis used lube? So what if he took his time? Some rapists use condoms and say “please” and “thank you.” They’re still rapists. “
It’s a strong letter, and a strong reply. But, there are parts of it I’m having a hard time buying. And I’m not sure the situation is as black and white as either the correspondent or Dan Savage is making out.
This couple had been together for longer than a year, and, according to the letter, (“I was restrained to the bed; we did this all the time.”) bondage sex was a regular part of their play. Is unrequested anal sex during consensual frequently practiced bondage such an outrageous act? I think it depends a lot on the people and the situation.
Should he have stopped, given that she says she was “screaming and crying for him to stop the whole time”. Clearly, definitely. Saying “Oh No, don’t put it there…”, then groaning and grunting, is totally different from screaming and crying to stop. Clearly there was somthing very wrong in the communication between the couple that led to a disaster.
I’ve said here before that with anal sex you have to be very observant and aware of your partner. In fact, I’d say three quarters of the time I’ve had anal sex I’ve ended up stopping, or in some other way modifying what I was doing, because I could tell my partner wasn’t ready for the full blast “OH GOD OH GOD!” anal experience. I strongly suggest this approach – when you initiate anal play and anal sex, be 100% ready to let it go without any worries or attachment if it doesn’t seem like it’s going to work out.
At the same time, and I suppose I should feel bad for this, I have at times taken control of a situation and made a girl go thru with full depth anal sex wether or not she wanted to – usually in breakup and makeup sex. Every time, in my experience, it was a powerful, mutually satisfying and bonding experience for both of us. And, in less charged situations, I’ve had women tell me that it helped them to have me be dominant and grab their hair and tell them that they could take it, that it would only hurt for a minute, and that they would start to really like it very soon.
We’re starting to enter dark and mysterious psychological realms, which are one of the things that anal sex is all about.
This leads me to wonder what the psychological dynamic between the couple in Dan’s letter was all about – and wonder if there were other unspoken issues between the two, for which anal sex was a symbol – for which anal rape was a symbol.
One of the things that the writer of the letter said that struck me was this – “if he had to have anal sex then he could have it with someone else, giving him an out if it mattered that much to him. “.
Hindsight is always 20/20, but I’m sure many of you men out there have heard this line before, or one of it’s variations. “I won’t do that dirty thing with you”, then the disdainful challenge to go do it with someone else.
Guys, when women say this, you’re probably wisest to believe them, and either dump them or have affairs on them, because they are basically calling you a loser. There are women out there who will have anal sex with the man who has the deep desire to have anal sex, and frankly, they are a better quality of woman than the woman who acts like her asshole is too special for your cock, and treats you like a dog for wanting her that way.
